My Top 30 Tweets of 2011 According to

I don’t know how (or why) he did it, but the list-master himself (and my sensei of ordination) compiled and ranked my 30 top Tweets of 2011.

Dude needs his own Twitter handle.  Go visit him at EnthusiastOfAll

Follow me @JustinKeller

Top 30 Tweets of 2011

#30: “Anytime I go more than 30 minutes without getting an email/ text message/ phone call I get really worried that everyone in the world is dead.”

#29: “For a white guy, I have an awful lot of purple in my wardrobe.”

#28: “I just fell in a river. All of my electronics are okay but, yeah, that just happened. (Minutes later) In related news, I’m finding pieces of wood in places one would not expect to find pieces of wood.”

#27: “I am creeped out by the Wikipedia personal appeal photos. Every. Single. One.”

#26: “I’ve never asked this for fear of sounding dumb, but how, exactly, does paper beat rock?”

#25: “Top 3 things I want to eat in China: 1) Scorpion, 2) Peking Duck (in Peking), 3) Panda.”

#24: “I just sneezed so hard that I traveled into the future by two seconds.”

#23: “I refuse to say ‘mahi’ twice.”

#22: “Bingo is a really good way to commit a genocide of minutes.”

#21: “As awesome as the new IPad is, it still doesn’t have a vagina.”

#20: “I’ve finally decided my personal philosophy is optimistic cynicism. Which I don’t like but at least it’s something.”

#19: “Dear people who are allergic to gluten: stop ruining it for the rest of us. (Minutes later) You don’t hear deaf people telling everyone else to stop listening to music.”

#18: “Two of my grandparents are dead, so that makes me 50% ghost.”

#17: “I just do not understand the appeal of televised singing competitions. It’s the exact same way I feel about NASCAR.”

#16: “I’m no Gumbel, but I think if Butler wants to win this game they’re going to have to make the ball go through that hoop thing more.”

#15: “I’m starting a job search website for people with face tatoos called”

#14: “I sat next to two republicans on my way in this morning. Or, as I call them ‘San Francisco Leprechauns.’ ”

#13: “I disagree with police breaking up peaceful protests but I don’t disagree with police firing tear gas at hippies, so it’s kind of a wash.”

#12: Crocs stock down 40% after poor third quarter performance and also because “duh.”

#11: “One-horse open sleigh: less fun than advertised.”

#10: “Just so you don’t have to, I just listened to the new Kim Kardashian single and it’s as awful as she is inexplicably famous.”


#8: “Fun fact: if you say the words ‘my cocaine” you’re also saying ‘Michael Caine’ in his voice.”

#7: “I wish when he doesn’t ‘feel like doing anything’, Bruno Mars would include ‘making music’ in things he doesn’t want to do.”

#6: “I will not have phone or email for the next 24 hours. If you need to reach me I suggest carrier pigeon.”

#5: “Hand dryers are great if you want your hands a little less wet, but still pretty wet.”

#4: “Rick Perry saying he’ll end Obama’s war on Religion is like me saying I’ll end Obama’s war on pancakes.”

#3: “All I hear about Herman Cain is “sex” and “pizza” and I’m like, what’s the problem?”

#2: “The amount you care about any Kardashian is inversely proportionate to how much you progress humanity.”

#1: “I’m heading to Paso Robles this evening. What am I doing there? Who knows- anything is PASOble! See what I did there? I am precious.


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